Navigating Grief and Loss: Guidance for Parents
It's important to understand the distinctions between loss and grief, and how to approach these topics with children, preparing them for the inevitable experiences that life brings.
Understanding Loss and Grief
Loss is the experience of being deprived of someone or something that held value, meaning, or significance in one's life. Loss occurs when something is left behind—by choice or circumstance—making it an external event or experience.
Grief, on the other hand, is the emotional, psychological, physical, and behavioral response to that loss. It's the internal process of mourning and processing the impact of the loss on one's life. Grief involves a range of emotions, thoughts, and behaviors, including feelings of sadness, anger, guilt, confusion, loneliness, and yearning.
Grief is a natural and complex process of adjustment that varies widely from person to person and over time.
It's an internal response to coming to terms with the reality of loss, navigating the emotions that arise, and ultimately integrating loss into one’s life in a way that allows for healing and adaptation.
The Importance of Talking About Death and Grief
As parents in the sandwich generation, it's crucial to start conversations with your children about death, grief, and loss. Here are some key reasons why these discussions are important:
Normalize the Experience:
Everyone experiences loss at some point. Normalizing these conversations can help children feel less isolated in their emotions.
Prepare Them for the Future:
By talking about loss and grief, you prepare your children for the inevitability of these experiences, helping them develop coping mechanisms and emotional resilience.
Encourage Emotional Expression:
Open discussions about grief encourage children to express their feelings, which is crucial for their emotional development and mental health.
Provide a Safe Space:
These conversations create a safe space for children to ask questions and express their fears and concerns, ensuring they feel supported and understood.
The Impact of Loss and Grief
Grief can manifest in various ways, affecting multiple aspects of a person’s life. Understanding these impacts can help parents support their children more effectively:
Emotional Responses
Grief can evoke a wide range of emotions, including sadness, anger, guilt, anxiety, loneliness, numbness, or even relief. These emotions may come and go in waves and can vary in intensity over time.
Cognitive Responses
Grief often involves a process of making sense of the loss and adjusting to life without the person or thing that has been lost. This can involve ruminating on memories, questioning the circumstances of the loss, and grappling with existential or spiritual questions.
Physical Responses
Grief can manifest physically, with symptoms such as fatigue, insomnia, changes in appetite, headaches, muscle tension, and gastrointestinal issues. These physical symptoms may be a result of the body's stress response to the emotional turmoil of grief.
Behavioral Responses
Grief can influence behavior in various ways, including withdrawal from social activities, difficulty concentrating, engaging in avoidance behaviors, or seeking out activities or substances as a means of coping.
Spiritual Responses
For some individuals, grief may lead to questioning or exploring spiritual beliefs and practices as they seek comfort, meaning, or understanding in the face of loss.
Grief Reactions in Children
Children may react to grief in ways that are different from adults. It is common for them to:
Protect Themselves Emotionally:
This might look like dissociation or indifference.
Refuse to Acknowledge or Avoid Thinking About Their Loss:
This could be seen as avoiding memories or blocking out pictures and stories.
Exhibit Extreme Emotions:
This could include intense sadness or anger.
“Close the Box” on Their Emotions:
They may accept what they are told without fully processing it.
Understanding these reactions helps parents approach their children's grief with empathy and patience.
The Pandemic and the Assumptive World
The COVID-19 pandemic has significantly impacted our assumptions about life and death. The concept of the "assumptive world" refers to the beliefs that ground, secure, or orient people, giving a sense of reality, meaning, or purpose to life (Beder, 2005). The pandemic has shattered many of these assumptions, making life feel unpredictable and beyond our control. This has brought death and loss into our daily consciousness in a way that is both profound and challenging.
Disenfranchised Grief
Disenfranchised grief is grief that is not openly acknowledged, socially validated, or publicly mourned. As a result, those who are grieving may feel marginalized, misunderstood, or invalidated in their grief experience. It is important to recognize and validate all forms of grief, regardless of whether they align with societal expectations. This emphasizes the need for empathy, understanding, and support for individuals experiencing loss, regardless of the circumstances.
Active Steps to Support Your Child
Connect and Open Communication:
Encourage your child to talk about their feelings and validate their emotions. Use age-appropriate language and be honest in your explanations.
Provide Reassurance:
Let your child know that it's normal to feel sad or scared and that you are there for them no matter what.
Encourage Expression:
Support creative outlets like drawing or writing for your child to express their emotions.
Follow Up:
Regularly check in with your child to see how they’re feeling and offer ongoing support.
Seek Professional Help:
If your child struggles to cope with their grief, consider seeking professional counseling or therapy tailored to their specific needs.
Common Questions from Kids and How to Address Them
Children often have many questions about death, and it's important to answer them honestly and sensitively. Here are some common questions and suggested responses:
"What does it mean to die?"
For younger children: "When someone dies, it means that their body has stopped working. They can't breathe, eat, or move anymore."
For older children: "Death is when a person's body stops working, and their heart stops beating. It's a natural part of life, but it can be hard to understand."
"Why did they have to die?"
"Sometimes people get very sick or hurt, and their bodies can't get better. Other times, it's just their time to go. It's okay to feel sad or confused about it."
"Where did they go when they died?"
"Different people have different beliefs about what happens after someone dies. Some people believe they go to heaven, while others believe they become a part of nature. What do you think?"
"Will I die?"
"Yes, everyone dies eventually, but most people live for a long time before they die. It's important to focus on living your life and enjoying each day."
"Will they come back?"
"No, when someone dies, they don't come back. But we can keep their memories alive by talking about them and remembering the good times we shared."
"Is it my fault they died?"
"No, it's not your fault. Sometimes bad things happen, but it's nobody's fault. You didn't do anything wrong."
"When will I stop feeling sad?"
"Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. It's okay to feel sad for as long as you need to. Talking about your feelings and spending time with loved ones can help."
"What happens at a funeral?"
"A funeral is a special ceremony where we gather to remember and say goodbye to the person who died. We might share memories, say prayers, and bury or cremate their body."
"Will I ever see them again?"
"Some people believe that they will see their loved ones again someday, either in heaven or in another form. What do you believe?"
Supporting Grieving Children
Creating a supportive environment for grieving children involves several active steps and considerations:
Establish and Maintain Routine
Maintaining a routine can provide a sense of normalcy and security for children. This includes consistent bedtimes, mealtimes, and screen time habits.
Model and Promote Healthy Habits
Demonstrate healthy grief responses and self-care practices. Encourage coping strategies and problem-solving skills that are age-appropriate.
Encourage Positive Relationships
Support your child in maintaining positive relationships with friends and family members. Celebrate achievements and find moments to enjoy life together.
Seek Professional Help
Consider therapy as a routine service rather than a crisis intervention. Therapy can help children process their grief and develop healthy coping mechanisms. Look for signs that indicate your child may need professional help, such as significant changes in behavior, emotional distress, or physical symptoms.
Exploring Beliefs and Spirituality
Discussing spirituality and beliefs about death can help children find comfort and meaning. Whether you are religious, spiritual, or neither, sharing your beliefs and encouraging your child to explore their own can provide a sense of connection and understanding.
"Spirituality is recognizing and celebrating that we are all inextricably connected to each other by a power greater than all of us, and that our connection to that power and to one another is grounded in love and compassion." - Brené Brown
Recognizing the Need for Professional Help
Behavioral and emotional changes, such as frequent nightmares, disobedience, aggression, excessive worrying, or prolonged sadness, can indicate a need for professional support. Additionally, physical and psychological changes like changes in sleeping or eating habits, difficulty concentrating, or frequent physical ailments may also signal the need for professional intervention.
Resources for Parents
There are several resources available to help parents support grieving children:
Books
"The Invisible String" by Patrice Karst
"The Goodbye Book" by Todd Parr
"Tear Soup: A Recipe for Healing After Loss" by Pat Schwiebert and Chuck DeKlyen
"The Memory Box: A Book About Grief" by Joanna Rowland
Websites
Counseling Services
Consider professional counseling for your child if they are struggling with grief.
Online Communities
Self-Care for Parents in the Sandwich Generation
As you navigate your child's grief, it's crucial to take care of your own emotional and physical well-being. Here are some self-care strategies:
Recognize Your Own Grief:
Acknowledge and honor your own feelings of loss and grief.
Seek Support:
Reach out to friends, family, or support groups for emotional support.
Practice Self-Care:
Engage in activities that promote relaxation and well-being, such as exercise, meditation, or hobbies.
Set Boundaries:
Recognize your limits and set boundaries to avoid burnout.
Seek Professional Help:
Consider therapy for yourself if you are struggling to cope with your own grief.
As a parent in the sandwich generation, it's important to approach conversations about death, grief, and loss with empathy, honesty, and support. By providing a safe and understanding environment, you can help your children navigate their grief in healthy and constructive ways, ultimately fostering resilience and emotional well-being.
"The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not 'get over' the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to." - Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
Embrace these conversations with love and patience, guiding your children through their grief journey while also taking care of your own emotional needs. Together, you can find ways to honor those you have lost and continue to live fully and joyfully.
If you feel like you or your children need additional support to process or manage grief, Phases Virginia is here to support you all. Schedule a 15 minute consultation to explore if Phases Virginia is right for you!